Episode 129: Unpacking The “Textile Recycling” Industry with Jessica

Welcome to Clotheshorse, the podcast that really does love to ride a bike past your house.

I’m your host Amanda and this is episode 129.

We’re in the midst of a surprise miniseries about circularity and how it relates to fashion (and really every object in our lives). And today’s guest is Jessica, designer, a pattern-maker, an educator, a consultant and a dreamer. She has so much experience in a variety of different areas of the fashion industry, but the primary focus of our conversation today will be the textile recycling industry. We will also be talking about all the ways the industry has changed during our careers, including sample waste and diminished quality. And so much more! When Jessica and I recorded this conversation I was in the early days of covid, and I became much sicker a few days later. So I couldn’t remember our conversation super well (a few days of fever made everything a blur), but relistening to it as I was editing just made me so happy! So I can’t wait for you to meet her!

Get ready for abrupt transition in topic…

When I was 27 years old, I met a person that just impressed me so much, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was a weird time for me emotionally…just four years after my partner had died, a mere four years after my entire life had turned upside down and changed in every possible way. So my heart, my ability to feel that kind of romantic love and excitement…it just hadn’t even come close to feeling anything other than grief for years. I had been going through the motions of working, being a parent, making friends and pretending to be “just fine” for years, but the entire time I expected to look down and see a gaping wound in my chest. I hadn’t felt good about very much for a long time. And my friends, this was an unusual state for me because I was born with a whole lot of romantic notions and a general lust for life and people.

This person’s name was Brian Eastwood. And I’m going to go ahead and just say that full name to all of you because I doubt he will ever listen to Clotheshorse. You’ll never find him on social media. And if you know him, well then you probably also know me from Portland and you know how obsessed with him I was. And it’s important that I use his full name because that’s how he’s always been filed away in my brain. Never Brian, always Brian Eastwood.

So yes, I was obsessed. I met him at a bar, he was friends with my best friend Reyna’s boyfriend. He teased me for carrying fruit in my purse. And as we all biked over to his house, he was tossing tiny fireworks along the way, which was both appalling and adorable to me. It is hard to explain all the reasons I liked him–mostly because this podcast does surprisingly have a bit of a time limit, not because I have forgotten them. He had a nice house. We had all of the same records. His cat was named Chococat. He loved tuna melts and cookbooks. See, you’re all thinking “okay, I see why you liked him.” He intentionally misspelled items on his own shopping list in the most ridiculous way for his own amusement. The admiration was mutual, but things made it complicated. He was a lot older than me (I didn’t care). I had a kid (although he never said anything negative about that, it made me nervous about getting serious with anyone). I was still grieving and my feelings were chaotic. His friends tried to sleep with me. We were off and in a way that makes me sad even now. Because he was the first man I had met that felt like an intellectual equal to me. That felt sensitive and sweet in the right ways. But was also super funny. We had this weird thing of showing up separately at events in unplanned matching outfits.

But as I mentioned, things were messy for no reason and all the reasons. And yet, I couldn’t get him out of my head or my heart. We lived about ten blocks away from one another and I engineered every single bike ride to work, to run errands, to meet friends, to pick up Dylan from day care…every single bike ride that involved passing through SE Portland was mapped by his house. So sometimes I was pedaling past his house 2,3,4 times a day. Not because I wanted to see him, I just wanted to see that he still existed. And so he became a part of my life routine. Those bike rides, thinking about him whenever I wasn’t working or taking care of Dylan or drawing or writing. He was just part of my life.

When I moved to the other side of the country and could no longer bike by his house every day, we started texting more regularly. I hung out with him every time I was in town. I really wanted to make something happen with him, but I was always too cowardly. Too afraid of things going sideways.

This went on for years. Years! Every time I would see him or hear about him, my stomach filled with butterflies. The longing was almost excruciating. Even when I was dating someone else or moving to a new city or just really busy with the act of living life. Brian Eastwood was the fantasy world my brain visited in boring work meetings, on transatlantic flights, when I was in bed with a cold, or driving on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. I can assure that I was still there mentally long after everyone–even Brian himself–had assumed that I had moved on.

Brian Eastwood was woven into the fabric of my everyday existence. He was part of the routines and patterns. After so many years of operating this way, the habit was so deeply ingrained that it no longer felt like a habit. It was just how my life was. It never even occurred to me that it might be unhealthy or a waste of my time.

But then something happened: I met Dustin. He was kind and loved animals, loved ME. He was my intellectual equal and he felt like family almost instantly. When Dustin proposed to me–that’s a funny and sweet story in itself–the first thing I thought was not “omg planning a wedding is stressful” or “monogamy is scary.” It was “well, I guess Brian Eastwood will never be my boyfriend now.” And that was a weird mental shift to accept. Like this pattern, this mental routine that had lived with me for years and years had to end. I had to reroute my brain’s thinking habits, if that makes sense?

It is not easy to change your habits, whether it’s your decade-long crush on someone who shares all of your favorite books or the relationship you have with stuff in your life. Changing your go-to behaviors and thought patterns is both terrifying and excruciating.

And furthermore: knowing that you must change is frightening. I couldn’t keep thinking about Brian Eastwood if I wanted to have a good marriage. There was no way I could set myself up for success without changing my behaviors.

Even when you know you have to do it, change is still really, really hard.

And we’re all in a place right now where we must accept that larger change in the world is going to involve change in our own patterns and behaviors. And sure, Amazon does have a bigger impact on the planet and its people than we do as individuals but is its impact still larger than all of us working together in unison? No, it certainly is not.

Major change will happen if we make a lot of personal changes that will become cultural changes.

No longer shopping when you’re sad.

Giving up shopping as a hobby and a social activity.

Learning how to mend clothing rather than tossing it out.

Realizing that making better choices will require a little bit more time, thought and effort.

Skipping out on a new iphone every year.

Keeping those shoes just a little bit longer.

Wearing the same dress or suit to every wedding and holiday.

This is just the beginning of the process, but getting the people around us to make these changes alongside us will have a major impact.

I guess what I’m doing right now is giving you and myself a pep talk. Because the past few weeks have been really, really hard. Just so much sad and bad news all around us. At times I have felt as if I was living in the worst timeline (with covid as an added bonus) and I wondered how I could escape.

It’s hard to keep up the fight for something better when it feels as if everything is collapsing around you. When it seems as if the badness in the world is just so much larger than you could ever be.

Bad and tragic don’t have to win. They will not win. As long as we are standing together, doing what is right, reaching out to others to help them do what is right…we will see things get better. I know it doesn’t always feel that way, but I promise that it is true.

I’m so grateful for this community–all of you—who push me to do better and better. It’s important to me, even if I’m not biking past your house every day. I don’t have time for that, okay?!

Believe it or not, next month is Clotheshorse’s two year anniversary! And I have a special audio essay opportunity planned for it! I’ll be sharing that info after my conversation with Jessica. So let’s jump right in!

Transcript coming soon!

I want to thank Jessica again for spending two hours with me! We will have to have her back again to talk more about the wasteful practices happening in the fashion industry. Like I think we could talk for two more hours about sample waste alone! You can learn more about Jessica at jessitex.com and on instagram @jessitex_ I’l share that info in the show notes!

Okay one last thing: as I mentioned at the top of the episode, July marks Clotheshorse’s two year anniversary! I can’t believe I’ve been doing this dang thing for two years! And I have a special episode planned to commemorate this auspicious occasion: I’m going to share my own path from fast fashion to Clotheshorse, my own journey if you will! I receive a lot of requests for that! So here you go! And guess what? I want to hear more about your journey, too!

What made you start to care more about sustainability, particularly in regards to things you wear?

What changes were most difficult? What were the easiest?

How do you think slow fashion could be more accessible to others?

And how do you find yourself making changes on a regular basis? Do you have any tips for others?

Okay, but what is an audio essay?

It’s a recording you make–using either your phone or your computer.

You email it to me at [email protected], and I edit and mix it, and add it to an episode. I will not accept written essays for this.

I recommend that you write it all out, then record it. It’s okay if you make a mistake while recording, just say that part again and keep talking. I’ll edit it when I put it in the episode!

Record in a quiet room, away from fans/air conditioners.

The deadline for this project is July 1, so you have a few weeks to get this done. Your recording should be anywhere from 3 minutes to 10 minutes long.

The personal is the political…and I can’t wait to hear your stories!

And with that…thanks for listening to another episode of Clotheshorse!